Love After Survival Is a Whole Different Game
Dating after survival will humble you.
In this episode, Charlisa shares a very real (and very telling) post-divorce dating experience — meeting someone online, being invited to a Trail Blazers game planned weeks in advance, and arriving to discover there were no actual seats. What starts off funny quickly becomes revealing.
This conversation goes far beyond the story. Charlisa unpacks what happens when women step into dating after years of survival, why hope can override discernment, and how we sometimes endure situations we’ve already outgrown. This is an honest reflection on attraction versus alignment, politeness versus truth, and learning to trust your intuition without shaming your past self.
If you’ve ever laughed something off that didn’t sit right — this episode is for you.
🔎 REFLECTION QUESTIONS
- Where have you mistaken attention or effort for alignment?
- What discomfort have you minimized to avoid being “difficult” or “too much”?
- How do you know the difference between hope and discernment in your dating life?
- What does safety — not excitement — look like for you now?
💬 ENGAGE WITH ME
If this episode made you laugh, cringe, or quietly say “wow… that was me,” I’d love to hear from you.
You can share your reflections by emailing me at receiptsreflections@gmail.com or sending me a DM on Instagram @mylanibychadowboxx.
This is a space for honesty, not judgment.
Charlisa's narrative unfolds as she delves into the complexities of love and healing post-survival, particularly addressing the experiences of women who venture into the dating realm under the assumption of being fully healed. She draws on her personal journey, recounting a rather humorous yet poignant story from 2017 that serves as a metaphor for the often tumultuous nature of re-entering the dating scene after significant life challenges. Through her encounter, she reflects on the importance of discernment and the lessons learned from mistakenly filling in the gaps with assumptions instead of seeking clarity. This episode emphasizes that while hope is a powerful motivator, it is discernment that ultimately guides one toward healthier relationships, advocating for the need to trust one's instincts and prioritize personal safety over societal expectations of dating norms.
Takeaways:
- This podcast episode discusses the importance of reflection in the journey of healing and personal evolution.
- Charlisa shares a personal story about her experience with dating post-divorce, highlighting the lessons learned.
- The narrative emphasizes that attraction does not equate to compatibility, which is crucial for healthy relationships.
- Listeners are encouraged to trust their discernment over hope when navigating romantic situations.
- The discussion highlights the contrast between enduring discomfort and genuinely enjoying one's experiences in dating.
- Ultimately, love after survival requires safety and intentionality rather than mere excitement or grand gestures.
Mentioned in this episode:
Dirty Roses Ad
A podcast exploring dating, relationships, and real conversations with entrepreneurs and community voices — available in audio and video formats.
Mylani Vegan Hair & Body Care
Clean, intentional hair and body care designed to nourish, restore, and simplify your routine. Explore the full collection at mylanibeauty.com.
Transcript
Hey, friend.
Speaker A:Welcome to Receipts and Reflections after the Hustle.
Speaker A:This is a space for real conversations about life, business, healing, motherhood, and growth.
Speaker A:I'm Charlisa, and I've lived enough life to know that hustle might get you started, but reflection is what helps you evolve.
Speaker A:Some stories come with receipts because y' all know I keep me some receipts.
Speaker A:Some come with lessons.
Speaker A:Either way, you're safe here, friend.
Speaker A:So take a breath, get settled, and let's talk.
Speaker A:Hey, friends.
Speaker A:Now, welcome back to Receipts and Reflections after the Hustle.
Speaker A:Now, today's episode, I'm already cracking up.
Speaker A:Because this episode is for the woman who thought that she was healed until dating reminded her otherwise.
Speaker A:This is for the woman who survived a lot, did a lot of work, and then step back into dating, thinking, okay, I'm ready now.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker A:Only to realize, oh, this is different.
Speaker A:Because love after survival is a whole different type of game.
Speaker A:And today, I'm going to tell you a story.
Speaker A:Picture it.
Speaker A:2017, Portland, okay?
Speaker A:One that still makes me laugh to this day.
Speaker A:We can laugh about it now.
Speaker A:I was at the time, I was pissed.
Speaker A:But today, we can laugh about it.
Speaker A:And it also makes me shake my doggone head.
Speaker A:And then I want to talk about what it taught me, okay?
Speaker A:Now, this story happened post divorce.
Speaker A:And I want to say that up front because context matters, y'.
Speaker A:All.
Speaker A:I was at a practice, okay?
Speaker A:I had spent years in survival mode.
Speaker A:Parenting, rebuilding, healing, holding things together, you know, figuring it out.
Speaker A:Re like, getting my life together.
Speaker A:And dating was not the priority.
Speaker A:Stability was.
Speaker A:We have bills.
Speaker A:We have bill bills.
Speaker A:So, you know, I was a little rocky.
Speaker A:I was a little rusty, y'.
Speaker A:All.
Speaker A:So when I decided to finally start dating again, I was hopeful.
Speaker A:But again, I was rusty.
Speaker A:Your girl was rusty.
Speaker A:I had not dated in a good little minute.
Speaker A:I hadn't dated in a long time.
Speaker A:I hadn't met someone online before.
Speaker A:I had never done that.
Speaker A:And I was still recalibrating my sense of worth outside of survival, if we gonna keep it all the way real.
Speaker A:And that part's important because when you come out of survival mode, you don't immediately step into discernment.
Speaker A:Sometimes you step into hope in a couple prayers.
Speaker A:So, y', all, I met this guy online.
Speaker A:He lived in Seattle.
Speaker A:Now, the conversation was cool, you know, we was vibing nothing immediately alarming.
Speaker A:There was no red flags.
Speaker A:Might've been a couple yellow ones, but no red flag, right?
Speaker A:So he invites me to a Trailblazers game, and I'm like, oh, okay, this he, you know, he has the Ability to plan.
Speaker A:Okay, you know, now, now listen, y'.
Speaker A:All.
Speaker A:This was not a last minute plan.
Speaker A:This was planned almost like a month in advance.
Speaker A:So I'm like, look at this man being a planner, being intentional.
Speaker A:You know, I'm.
Speaker A:I'm really thinking this in my mind.
Speaker A:I'm like, look at this man.
Speaker A:He is intentional.
Speaker A:He planned ahead.
Speaker A:He's travel.
Speaker A:This just like, really giving, thoughtful.
Speaker A:Now, here's what I didn't do.
Speaker A:Y' all pay attention.
Speaker A:Notice what your girl didn't do.
Speaker A:I didn't ask no questions.
Speaker A:That's the first mistake.
Speaker A:I didn't ask, do you have tickets already?
Speaker A:I didn't know we needed to ask that in my defense, but I didn't ask it.
Speaker A:I said, you know, I didn't say, like, what section are we sitting in?
Speaker A:I didn't say, you know, what's the plan?
Speaker A:I just filled in the gaps with assumptions because I was like, oh, he is a planner.
Speaker A:I love this.
Speaker A:This is so awesome.
Speaker A:That's lesson number one.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker A:We gonna come back to that.
Speaker A:Because filling in the gaps with assumptions is what be having.
Speaker A:You having some fafo moments.
Speaker A:And I did.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:So the day comes, we get to the Modus center, or the Rose Garden, as it used to be called, depending on how long you've been living in Portland.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker A:And we walk up to the entrance, and I realize it was at this moment, you know, like, where the bet.
Speaker A:Like how it starts off.
Speaker A:I'm sure you're wondering how we got here.
Speaker A:That's when.
Speaker A:That's when the record screeched, okay?
Speaker A:And I realized this man don't have no tickets.
Speaker A:It wasn't like one of them.
Speaker A:I left them at home.
Speaker A:Not.
Speaker A:I got it on my phone.
Speaker A:This man didn't have no tickets, y'.
Speaker A:All, okay?
Speaker A:So I'm hot.
Speaker A:I was like, listen, I' ma go to the bathroom, and when I come back, you better have this figured out, because I don't got a babysitter, okay?
Speaker A:I don't have.
Speaker A:I don't got off work early.
Speaker A:You better figure it out.
Speaker A:So when I come out, this man had bought general admission tickets.
Speaker A:And for those who are a little bit more cultured, okay?
Speaker A:And ain't really been in the trenches like that because I had a moment that I didn't know I was struggling that bad either, okay?
Speaker A:But apparently general admission means you are only allowed to be in the building, but you don't have seats.
Speaker A:It means you have permission to walk in and you.
Speaker A:You can be admitted, but you ain't got no seats.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:At an NBA game.
Speaker A:Okay, I'm gonna give y' all a moment because I know by this point, y' all probably laughing, and it's okay.
Speaker A:I'm woman enough.
Speaker A:I'm woman enough to take that.
Speaker A:L. Go ahead and laugh.
Speaker A:Get it on out.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker A:Are we done?
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:So I'm just standing there trying to process this information politely.
Speaker A:I'm trying to keep it together.
Speaker A:You know, I'm trying.
Speaker A:I'm trying not to be rude.
Speaker A:I'm trying not to embarrass him.
Speaker A:I'm trying not to embarrass myself.
Speaker A:If we gonna keep it real.
Speaker A:And then somehow, to this day, I still don't know how.
Speaker A:I don't know the details.
Speaker A:I don't know.
Speaker A:But we ended up sitting in foldable chairs.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker A:And in the middle of the aisle.
Speaker A:And I look around, and it hits me, y', all, we are sitting in the section reserved for the handicapped guests.
Speaker A:And to make a wish, kids, Friend, friend.
Speaker A:Foldable chairs in the ADA.
Speaker A:Make a wish section at a professional basketball game.
Speaker A:I remember looking around thinking, oh, no, this.
Speaker A:This cannot be happening.
Speaker A:This, y'.
Speaker A:All.
Speaker A:This can't be my life.
Speaker A:And at the same time, I'm also sitting there like, charlisa, Charlisa, grow.
Speaker A:This is exactly your life right now.
Speaker A:That's what you get, because you just be doing stuff.
Speaker A:Now, here's the part people always ask me, what did you do?
Speaker A:Because in that moment, you do have options.
Speaker A:You can call it out, you can walk away, you can minimize it, you can laugh it off and let me be all the way real.
Speaker A:I stayed.
Speaker A:I stayed.
Speaker A:First of all, my phone had died, so I couldn't even call the Uber to leave.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker A:So that was.
Speaker A:God, be playing too much, too.
Speaker A:If I'm just gonna.
Speaker A:If.
Speaker A:If I'm gonna, you know, skirt the blame to somebody.
Speaker A:Because he.
Speaker A:I'm sure he had a good kiki.
Speaker A:Because he was like, I didn't even tell you to do that.
Speaker A:But that's a different story.
Speaker A:I stayed.
Speaker A:And I didn't stay because I thought it was okay.
Speaker A:It was also because I was still unlearning the instinct to make things comfortable for other people at my own freaking expense.
Speaker A:And so we sat there for a good little minute.
Speaker A:And I'm hot.
Speaker A:And the game's happening.
Speaker A:The game's happening, technically, but mentally, I had already checked out, because once your intuition speaks, you can't unhear it.
Speaker A:The jokes didn't land the same.
Speaker A:Everything he said got on my doggone nerves.
Speaker A:The conversation felt Thin.
Speaker A:He was ugly.
Speaker A:All of a sudden, okay?
Speaker A:And the vibe was just off.
Speaker A:And I realized something in real time.
Speaker A:I wasn't enjoying myself.
Speaker A:I was enduring.
Speaker A:And that's a huge difference.
Speaker A:So after we didn't make it all the way through the game, you know, but whenever we left, there wasn't no big confrontation.
Speaker A:There wasn't no argument.
Speaker A:There wasn't no dramatic exit.
Speaker A:We just parted ways.
Speaker A:You know, he.
Speaker A:He did run alongside the car, like, so.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:So we ain't gonna have another date now, bruh.
Speaker A:Sir, step aside.
Speaker A:Step aside now, okay, Because I'm still triggered.
Speaker A:You might.
Speaker A:You might.
Speaker A:You might get here with this Malibu.
Speaker A:I'm just saying, you know, we just parted ways, though, okay?
Speaker A:Thank the Lord.
Speaker A:And later, of course, he.
Speaker A:Of course he followed up, you know, but by then, he was.
Speaker A:He was blocked.
Speaker A:You know, there wasn't no making no plans.
Speaker A:There is no acting unusual like.
Speaker A:Or like acting like nothing had happened.
Speaker A:And that's when, to me, it really clicked, because for him, that night was fine.
Speaker A:Everything went great for him.
Speaker A:For me, though, that was some information.
Speaker A:And this is something I need women to really hear.
Speaker A:A situation can be acceptable to someone else, and it can still be unacceptable to you.
Speaker A:You don't need agreement to trust your experience.
Speaker A:Just because he laughing and giggling and sniggling and all that stuff don't mean that you are.
Speaker A:You're responsible for also enjoying yourself.
Speaker A:It is okay to listen to your body and be like, this sucks.
Speaker B:I hate this.
Speaker A:I hate everything about this.
Speaker A:And that's fine, because low key.
Speaker A:The real work was not about him.
Speaker A:It was about me.
Speaker A:And I had to ask myself some real uncomfortable questions, like, why did I override my discomfort?
Speaker A:You know, why did I try to be gracious instead of just being honest?
Speaker A:Why did I convince myself it just really wasn't that bad?
Speaker B:And the answer wasn't flattering y', all.
Speaker A:But it was freeing.
Speaker A:Part of me was still operating from survival.
Speaker B:Survival teaches you to be agreeable, to not be too much.
Speaker B:Not too much to be grateful for effort, even when it's sloppy as hell.
Speaker A:Survival says, well, at least he tried.
Speaker B:And healing says, girl, pay attention.
Speaker B:And here's the deeper realization.
Speaker B:I wasn't mad at him.
Speaker B:I was really, honestly, I was disappointed in myself.
Speaker B:Not in a shaming way, but more of, like, in an awakening way, because I realized I had outgrown certain tolerances before I had fully updated my standards.
Speaker B:And that gap, that space between growth and discernment, is really where a lot of women get stuck.
Speaker B:You've healed enough to want better, but not enough to walk away as quickly as you should.
Speaker B:And that's a transition phase, friend.
Speaker B:And it deserves compassion, not criticism.
Speaker A:Now.
Speaker B:That night taught me a lot.
Speaker B:Yeah, it taught me a lot.
Speaker B:It taught me that attraction is not alignment.
Speaker B:It taught me that effort is not the same as competence.
Speaker B:Tell me that liking me does not mean someone is equipped for me.
Speaker B:I mean, of course you like me.
Speaker B:It's me.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker B:But you're not for me.
Speaker B:And it also taught me this.
Speaker B:Romance without reliability is stress.
Speaker B:Chemistry without consideration is chaos.
Speaker B:Chaos, okay?
Speaker B:And being chosen is not the same as being considered.
Speaker B:What I know now is very simple.
Speaker B:I don't need grand gestures.
Speaker B:I don't need you to try to impress me.
Speaker B:I don't need sparks if they come with anxiety.
Speaker B:I need intentionality.
Speaker B:I need steadiness.
Speaker B:I need someone who thinks things through.
Speaker B:Because love, after survival doesn't need excitement.
Speaker B:It doesn't need all the bells and whistles.
Speaker B:It just needs safety.
Speaker B:You hear me?
Speaker B:It just needs safety.
Speaker B:Now, before we close, I want you, friend, to go and sit with this gently.
Speaker B:What have you laughed off that was actually a warning?
Speaker B:And where have you been polite instead of keeping it all the way real?
Speaker B:And what would dating look like if you trusted your discernment more than your hope?
Speaker B:There's no shame in the past versions of you, but there is responsibility in who you choose to be now.
Speaker B:Because, listen, y', all, love after survival, man, that's something different.
Speaker B:It's different.
Speaker B:And that's okay.
Speaker B:It's totally okay.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:Now that y' all don't had a.
Speaker B:Good little Kiki at my expense, I hope at least you walked away with something.
Speaker B:Okay?
Speaker B:And I will meet you back here next Monday.
Speaker B:Until next time, friend.
Speaker A:Before we close, thank you for sharing this moment with me.
Speaker A:If something from today's episode stayed with you, whether it be a thought, a feeling, a reflection, I hope you give yourself space to sit with it.
Speaker A:These conversations are meant to meet you where you are, not to rush you and definitely not to fix you.
Speaker A:Be gentle with yourself this week, sis.
Speaker A:I'll meet you right back here next Monday.
Speaker A:This is Receipts and Reflections after the Hustle.
Speaker A:Because after the Hustle, we slow down and we choose peace.
