Just Because I Understand You Doesn’t Mean I’ll Accept It
If you’re the “over-understander,” this episode is for you.
In this conversation, Charlisa speaks directly to the woman who can explain everyone’s behavior, hold compassion for people’s trauma, and see every perspective — often at the expense of her own needs. What starts as empathy can quietly turn into tolerance, over-extending grace, and staying in situations that no longer align.
This episode explores the difference between understanding and obligation, why empathy without boundaries becomes exhausting, and how growth sometimes looks like getting quieter — not louder. It’s a reminder that you can be compassionate and clear, empathetic and self-protective.
🔎 REFLECTION QUESTIONS
- Who have you been understanding at the expense of yourself?
- Where are you explaining someone’s behavior instead of honoring how it made you feel?
- How do you personally define the difference between empathy and obligation?
- What would change if understanding no longer meant staying?
💬 ENGAGE WITH ME
If this episode felt like it was calling you out and calling you in, I’d love to hear from you.
You can share your reflections by emailing me at receiptsreflections@gmail.com or sending me a DM on Instagram @mylanibychadowboxx.
This is a space where honesty is welcome.
Takeaways:
- Understanding others deeply can often lead to self-betrayal and emotional exhaustion.
- Empathy should not be mistaken for the obligation to remain in unhealthy situations.
- Establishing boundaries is essential for maintaining one's mental and emotional well-being.
- Growth manifests as a transition from over-explaining to a more succinct expression of needs.
- Recognizing when understanding becomes emotional over-functioning is crucial for personal development.
- Choosing oneself is not an act of unkindness, but rather a necessary step towards self-respect.
Mentioned in this episode:
Mylani Vegan Hair & Body Care
Clean, intentional hair and body care designed to nourish, restore, and simplify your routine. Explore the full collection at mylanibeauty.com.
Kuz I Cooks
Family-owned catering offering weekly dinner plates with pickup and delivery options in the Seattle and Federal Way area.
Transcript
Hey, friend.
Speaker B:Welcome to Receipts and Reflections after the Hustle.
Speaker B:This is a space for real conversations about life, business, healing, motherhood and growth.
Speaker B:I'm Charlisa, and I've lived enough life to know that hustle might get you started.
Speaker B:But reflection is what helps you evolve.
Speaker B:Some stories come with receipts because y' all know I keep me some receipts, some come with lessons.
Speaker A:Either way, you're safe here, friend.
Speaker B:So take a breath, get settled, and let's talk.
Speaker A:Hey, hey.
Speaker A:Hey, friend.
Speaker A:Welcome back to Receipts and Reflections after the Hustle.
Speaker A:Now, today's episode is for the over understander.
Speaker A:You know who you are.
Speaker A:Okay, I see you.
Speaker A:You're the person who can see everyone's perspective.
Speaker A:You can explain people better than they can explain themselves.
Speaker A:You know, their trauma, their backstory, their triggers.
Speaker A:And for a long time, you thought that made you mature.
Speaker A:But at some point, you realize something very uncomfortable.
Speaker A:Comfortable Understanding someone doesn't mean you're supposed to stay and woo chow.
Speaker A:That lesson took me a minute.
Speaker A:I used to pride myself on how much I understood people.
Speaker A:I understood why they were the way they were.
Speaker A:I understood their childhood.
Speaker A:I understood their stress.
Speaker A:I understood their intentions.
Speaker A:I had a whole dissertation in my head for everybody.
Speaker A:And because I understood them, I tolerated a lot, way, way, way more than I should have.
Speaker A:Now, let me tell you about one of those moments.
Speaker A:There was a situation, not even dramatic, just consistently annoying.
Speaker A:You know the kind.
Speaker A:The kind where you keep saying it's not that deep, but.
Speaker A:But it is that deep.
Speaker A:Because it's not about the one thing.
Speaker A:It's about the pattern.
Speaker A:And every time something didn't sit right, I would say to myself, well, I understand why they did that.
Speaker A:I understand their stress.
Speaker A:I understand their trauma.
Speaker A:I understand their intentions.
Speaker A:What I didn't understand yet was why I kept adjusting.
Speaker A:And this is where it gets funny.
Speaker A:Because once you realize this about yourself, you're gonna start catching it in real time.
Speaker A:You'll be mid conversation.
Speaker A:You're not.
Speaker A:You're, like, nodding your head, like, I get nothing.
Speaker A:Then your inner voice is gonna be like, now, wait a minute.
Speaker A:Wait.
Speaker A:Why am I still here?
Speaker A:That was me understanding everything.
Speaker A:Except in foolishness, accepting nonsense.
Speaker A:And here's the part that nobody talks about.
Speaker A:Understanding someone can quietly become a way to avoid setting boundaries.
Speaker A:Because if you understand them, then you don't want to seem harsh.
Speaker A:You don't want to seem so impatient.
Speaker A:You don't want to come across as unhealed.
Speaker A:Lord forbid.
Speaker A:And you seem.
Speaker A:You don't want to seem like you lack compassion.
Speaker A:So you over Extend grace.
Speaker A:And grace without boundaries.
Speaker A:Friend turns into self betrayal real, real, real quick.
Speaker A:And I realized something that was very important.
Speaker A:I was confusing empathy with obligation.
Speaker A:Just because I understood why someone behaved a certain way did not mean that I was required to stay in proximity to it.
Speaker A:And that was a very hard pill to swallow, a super hard one, because understanding had become part of my identity.
Speaker A:I was the safe one, the patient one, the I can handle it one, the I can handle anything you throw at me, friend.
Speaker A:And baby, that role is exhausting.
Speaker A:Very.
Speaker A:Now, here's where the gut punch comes in.
Speaker A:Gently, just gently.
Speaker A:Because some of us don't stay because we're confused.
Speaker A:We stay because we don't want to disappoint other people.
Speaker A:We don't want to be the villain in their story.
Speaker A:We don't want to withdraw the grace that we're so proud of giving all the time.
Speaker A:But hear me clearly.
Speaker A:Grace does not mean access.
Speaker A:Okay, say that again with me in your head.
Speaker A:Grace does not mean access.
Speaker A:There was a moment, and I remember it clearly, when I caught myself explaining someone's behavior to myself out loud.
Speaker A:I was alone.
Speaker A:No one asked.
Speaker A:And I said, well, they probably did that because.
Speaker A:And I really stopped mid sentence and thought, wait, hold, girl.
Speaker A:Why am I advocating for someone who's not even here?
Speaker A:And that's when it clicked.
Speaker A:I was doing emotional labor for people who weren't doing any work at all.
Speaker C:At all.
Speaker A:Understanding had turned into emotional over functioning.
Speaker A:I was carrying context.
Speaker A:I was carrying patience.
Speaker A:I was carrying compassion.
Speaker A:And they.
Speaker A:They were just showing up.
Speaker A:And I told myself I was the one being loving, but really, I was being tired.
Speaker A:I was tired, y'.
Speaker A:All.
Speaker A:And here's what growth looked like for me.
Speaker A:Not popping off, not getting louder, not getting mean.
Speaker A:Because for me at one point, because I didn't understand how to clearly express my dissatisfaction or my discomfort with things.
Speaker A:So I would have to wait until I was hot, hotter than fish grease, y', all, to finally express how I felt.
Speaker A:I used that anger as my reason to finally be clear.
Speaker A:And you know, at some point, whenever you really do truly and you do your level of healing, you don't gotta get buck.
Speaker A:You don't gotta get buck.
Speaker A:You don't gotta get mean.
Speaker A:And it also means not cutting people off dramatically.
Speaker A:Now, let me be clear.
Speaker A:I still cut people off.
Speaker C:Okay?
Speaker A:I still got a block list out this world.
Speaker A:Anybody can be invited to the block party, the neighborhood block party.
Speaker A:Come one, come on.
Speaker A:Okay, okay.
Speaker C:But it's just not gonna be dramatic.
Speaker C:It's not gonna have big theatrics.
Speaker A:You're.
Speaker A:You may just look at them like, now what is Charlie's doing?
Speaker A:And B blocked.
Speaker A:That's what that looks like.
Speaker A:Now.
Speaker A:Growth look like getting quieter.
Speaker A:Just less explaining, less justifying, less staying.
Speaker A:And that's when people started feeling confused.
Speaker A:Oh, now you confused.
Speaker A:Now you don't know what's happening.
Speaker A:Because the version of me who over explained had retired.
Speaker A:She got her jersey on the wall, baby, she is gone.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker A:And let me say something that might sting a little in a loving way.
Speaker C:Because you know I love you, Boogie.
Speaker C:Some people benefit from your misunderstanding, from your understanding.
Speaker C:You always understanding for them over understanding.
Speaker C:They're benefiting.
Speaker C:They don't benefit from your boundaries.
Speaker C:That's why they be mad.
Speaker C:They no longer benefit when you finally establish your boundaries.
Speaker C:And when you switch from understanding to clarity, they feel it.
Speaker C:Now, that doesn't mean you're wrong.
Speaker C:It just means that the dynamic has changed.
Speaker C:And understanding.
Speaker C:Someone does not hear me when I say this.
Speaker C:It does not require you to stay in situations that drain you, to accept patterns that hurt you.
Speaker C:It doesn't require you to minimize your needs.
Speaker C:And it doesn't require you to silence your discomfort.
Speaker C:You can understand someone deeply to the core and still choose yourself.
Speaker C:Both can be true.
Speaker C:Here's my reflection.
Speaker C:This is what I know now.
Speaker A:I still understand people.
Speaker C:I'm still empathetic, I'm still compassionate.
Speaker C:But I no longer confuse understanding with obligation.
Speaker C:I don't need to announce my boundaries.
Speaker C:You hear me?
Speaker C:I don't need to explain them.
Speaker C:I don't need permission, especially not somebody else's permission to honor them.
Speaker C:And that peace, oh, child, that peace is unmatched.
Speaker C:Okay?
Speaker C:Unmatched.
Speaker C:So before we close, I want you to sit with this.
Speaker C:No judgment, just honesty.
Speaker C:Friend, who have you been understanding at the expense of yourself?
Speaker C:Where have you been explaining someone's behavior instead of honoring your feelings?
Speaker C:And what would change if understanding no longer meant staying?
Speaker C:You're not cold.
Speaker C:You're not unkind.
Speaker C:You're just done abandoning yourself in the name of empathy.
Speaker C:And that is growth.
Speaker C:You hear me?
Speaker C:That's growth.
Speaker C:I loved this conversation with you.
Speaker C:I hope this resonated with you.
Speaker C:I hope you were able to take something.
Speaker C:And don't forget, I hope you got that journal and.
Speaker C:And come and sit with these questions for just a little bit, okay?
Speaker C:And I will meet you back here next Monday.
Speaker C:Until next time, friend.
Speaker B:Before we close, thank you for sharing this moment with me.
Speaker B:If something from today's episode stayed with you, whether it be a thought a feeling, a reflection.
Speaker B:I hope you give yourself space to sit with it.
Speaker B:These conversations are meant to meet you.
Speaker C:Where you are, not to rush you.
Speaker B:And definitely not to fix you.
Speaker B:Be gentle with yourself this week, sis.
Speaker B:I'll meet you right back here next Monday.
Speaker B:This is Receipts and Reflections.
Speaker B:After the Hustle.
Speaker B:Because after the Hustle, we slow down and we choose peace.
